Losing the Plot (& Finding the Meaning).
Living stories instead of chasing them and all the Best of 2021.
This is a combo post of my Best of 2021 list along with some reflection on what I experienced along the way. A “Part II” of After None, if you will.
If you just want the Best of 2021, just scroll about halfway down. Lots of goodies there.
First, a note that telling the truth matters.
I’ve had so many kind notes, emails, and Voxers since After None dropped before Christmas. Several of you shared with me your own struggles with anxiety or the questions your life has carried. I’m working my way through to responding to all of them.
A past me would rush to do them to prove to you all how on top of things I am, but that cover is blown. So instead, I will tell you the truth: I will respond slowly because I want to give each response the thoughtfulness I prefer (but often do not give myself the space to find.)
Since telling my post-religion story publicly for the first time, the anxiety and panic parts of my soul have been in high gear. Lots of restless sleep and many mornings flaring with what I call cocktail party brain. (Imagine a crowded room of vaguely drunk people constantly bumping into you and begging you to listen to all their worst fears… that’s cocktail party brain.)
Many years of doing my own work (I use this phrase to cover a combination of intensive spiritual direction and various modalities of therapy.) has taught me that making the choice for vulnerability will have its attending consequences. Anxiety one of many ways the body self-protects when it feels in danger. And for people like me, nothing feels more dangerous than public acts of vulnerability.
So flare ups have been high. Lots of pressure on the chest. Swelling everywhere. Cocktail party brain. The protective parts of me are all hard at work to keep me what they think is safe. To them, safe is hidden, performing, full of certainty, and clear about the plot of my ever-important life.
I’ve learned to welcome those parts. They are only trying to help. Fear thinks it’s helping.
“Welcome, fear.”
Shuddering within.
“Welcome, fear. I know you are trying to do your best. But you need to know I’m not the bullied 7th grader anymore, trying to find the plot of a life worth living.”
Shuddering within.
“I am here. We are here. Not performing a life or finding one, but living one. And whatever meaning is worth finding is only here.”
Crutches
Stepping back from religious categories of meaning has brought to light all kinds of crutches I didn’t know I had. Before I go too far, know that I don’t use the word “crutch” in a negative way. Crutches are for people who are injured. Crutches allow us to keep moving. Crutches keep us from putting weight on where we are already injured. Crutches give us a chance (but no guarantee) of healing.
Evangelical Christianity offered a very specific kind of hope: that the entirety of human history, including every moment of my life was caught up in the most important plot every written. Everything that happens doesn’t just happen for a reason… if you are the right kind of person (usually white, performative, and male) then the reason is essential to the fate of humankind.
What a plot.
As a kid who was witnessing to his “lost” friends on the playground in the 3rd grade, I caught on early and often that my life was dripping with consequence. What I see now is that consequence gave me a way to reframe my own lostness. I felt like a stranger in my world, unfit for the life I was being presented. This wasn’t anyone’s particular fault. Just the result of a highly sensitive, intelligent kid who lacked the adaptive skills necessary to roll with the punches.
I didn’t have the tools to acknowledge how out of place I felt. To do so, in the rare moments I would do it, would sear through me like fire. Making everyone around me uncomfortable, confused, and afraid.
We were introduced to journaling in the 4th grade where were expected to write for 30 minutes without putting down our pen. Those brief minutes each day in school tapped into truths I didn’t have words for every day and would often end with me in uncontrollable tears.
Mrs. Holland—whose favorite show was Pee Wee Herman and spent her recess time smoking in the boiler room of the old school building—was a woman who I now can see had not worked through her own fear and sadness, and coming in contact with it in such raw form in a 4th grader produced… unfortunate outcomes.
Those journaling times were a sign that I, and other well-meaning people around me, couldn’t read. A sign of untapped sensitivities, a growing feeling of isolation among my peers, an inability to tap into internal reserves of safety.
It all sounds very reasonable now.
Then it felt like insanity. I needed a better plot. The idea that all my emotion and untapped expression was part of a grand plot to save the world, with me as integral to that plot, was a jungle gym of bars to hang from. An anti-gravity suit in a world that felt like free fall.
This is what I mean when I saw that our fear is trying to protect is. My old friend, fear, is still adjusting to the idea that I’m not that little boy anymore. Performative faith served a similar function. It kept the hurting me hidden, theoretically protected.
That’s what crutches are far.
Plot Hides the Meaning
Come to your senses. Defenses are not the way to go. - Jonathan Larson, Tick, Tick… Boom.
Here’s where I’m at today; 42-year-old, less clear me. I’m less certain of the plot than I’ve ever been. I don’t know what we’re here for. I have some inklings that we are here for love, and that Love is a capital letter kind of word that is bigger than its implied meaning.
I have this unshakable sense that we are drawn into a greater Something. But where that something once was identifiable as plot (the world, and therefore everyone, is fundamentally evil and can only be accepted by a G-d through the inexplicable murder of a Middle Eastern man whose resurrection must be accepted through a particular prayer by someone in every culture on earth in order to usher in the end of the world, saving some, but not most from eternal conscious torment),
Today I see it as mysterious Meaning. That meaning is not OUT THERE, to chased, made, performed, reached, earned, or prayed to.
That Meaning is here. It is here giving me the courage I wouldn’t have on my own to “Welcome, Fear.”
That Meaning is here. It is here giving me the grace to accept an entire mind full of unknowns after half-a-lifetime trying to find certainty.
That Meaning is here. It is in the purple sky. The unearned love of my dogs. The meaning is not some impersonal sense, but the most personal. It is an unfettered Welcome. An unqualified Yes to all the parts of me I would prefer to say, No.” It is Grace and Light and Gentleness and Joy.
It is Jonathan Larson lyrics, Jean Smart’s tears on S1 Ep10 of Hacks, the truth revealed about Facebook’s plot to destroy the world.
It is in bell hooks and Richard Powers and the swimming pool scene in In the Heights.
What I know so far (not much) is that trying to track the through-line, some plot where every event connects to every other and ever choice is laden with pressure and purpose, distracted me successfully from my pain.
But that obsession with plot also kept me running from the Meaning.
The Meaning that I’m finding so difficult to describe, but is somehow here.
I wrote this as my social media headline several years ago and am only just beginning to live into it:
“I searched for a story worth living until I realized that the story is made worthy by living it.”
The Best of 2021 - TV, Film, and Books
I toyed with making this a separate post, but as you can see in the above lines, something about making my best of 2021 lists helped me see how much joy there was hiding around this year, even while anxiety was trying to write a plot. While absorbing media does not a life make, it is where our love of stories find a more satiable home. At least for me.
So here are all my lists. It really was a wonderful year.
TV Shows I Could Talk About for Days:
Succession, Season 3 (HBO) - Some of the best writing on television in the last five years. Fascinating characters without any redeeming qualities making bad choices on beautiful sets. Cousin Greg forever.
Hacks, Season 1 (HBO Max) - I announced my full support of the Jean (Smart)-aissance early in the year. This show is such a joy, perfectly showing the incredible chaos between Millennial and Baby Boomer culture.
Mythic Quest, Season 2 (Apple TV+) - Parks and Rec except in a company that makes video games. The friend-chemistry between Poppy (Charlotte Nicdao) and Ian (Rob McElhenney) is better than almost anything else I watched this year.
The Chair, Season 1 (Netflix) - Is Sandra Oh the most versatile actress on television right now? I love a good sitcom set in a weird workplace (see Mythic Quest) and what is weirder than academia?
Schmigadoon!, Season 1 (Apple TV+) - A meta-musical featuring the incomparable Cicely Strong? Yes, please. Come for the deconstruction of stage tropes, stay for Kristen Chenoweth doing the most incredible 4-min one shot ever performed (in one take).
Mare of Easttown, Limited Series (HBO) - Ok. If you haven’t watched this. Why? The accents alone. Puffy, plaid-wearing Cate Winslet is the best Cate Winslet. Also Jean Smart. Again.
The Other Two, Season 2 (HBO Max) - This was my December watch and I had to include it. Molly Shannon eats up the scenery as the stage mom of a Justin Bieber type while Heléne Yorke and Drew Tarver steal every scene as the lost Millennial older siblings. Millennial culture is having a moment on television right now, with its blind optimism being deconstructed faster than penal substitionary atonement theory.
Unplanned Beloved Binge:
Midnight Mass, Limited Series (Netflix) - I hate horror but I loved this. I’ve never scene western Christian theology and its blend of possibility and threat so incredibly explored. If you watch nothing else, Erin’s soliloquy in answer to the question “What Happens When You Die?” was the church service I didn’t know I needed.
Prestige TV Shows I Hate-Watched with a Passion
White Lotus, Season 1 (HBO) - There was a clear theme to everything I hate-watched in 2021 and it manifested most purely in White Lotus. White liberals trying to be coy about how woke they are while retreading trauma for BIPOC is not entertainment, is performative wokeness done for easy money. No, thank you.
The Morning Show, Season 2 (Apple TV+) - Why did I watch Season 2? Some train wrecks can’t be avoided. It was some of the worst writing I saw this year, done with the best lighting, costuming, and set design. Proof that no budget in the world can make a COVID storyline a fun hang.
Movies I Could Talk About for Days:
Tick, Tick… Boom (Netflix) - This movie was made for me. So if you don’t like it or don’t wish to hear me talk about it, please call me in 2023. Cause I’m gonna be parked here for a really long time. “Cages or wings, which do you prefer? Ask the birds…” The late, great Jonathan Larson was the songwriter for my generation of theater nerds. I’ll just be over here sobbing.
The Eternals (Disney) - I loved this so much. In an age of mimeographed Marvel mundaneness… this weird, complex, glorious story had me at hello. Chloe Zhao is a national treasure.
Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar (Lionsgate) - Gah. Kristen Wiig, take all my money. This movie was so wonderously stupid. I’m still thinking about it 10 months later. Jamie Dornan was born to play a confused non-committal villain.
House of Gucci (MGM) - My movie list is full of controversial films. And many of them I have mixed feelings about. But some of those mixed feelings are what makes me love them. I could watch Lady Gaga perform in a laundry soap commercial. The directing here was weird and the criticism that it flips between drama and camp awkwardly is the right call. And yet, I loved it, I swear: Father, Son and House of Gucci.
The Green Knight (A24) - This was the first movie I saw back in the theater after the pandemic hiatus. It could have been the magic of the big screen, but this one has held on for me. It’s dark, strange, visually stunning, and more full of meaning than plot. Perhaps it’s 2021 in a bag for me.
In the Heights (Netflix) - Gah. I know. More musicals. But I loved, loved, loved this. It’ll get forgotten in a pandemic year where the only musical that will get noticed is Andrew Garfield’s Oscar-worthy performance in Tick, Tick… Boom. But it shouldn’t. It’s unmitigated joy.
Encanto (Disney) - A last minute entry. I just saw it two days ago. And if you’ve made it this far, you’re wondering “Is this a Lin Manuel Fan Boy list?” Well, I’ve been accused of worse things. I’m actually a little tired of old LMM, he’s gong a little overexposed. But man there was some incredible work connected to him this year. The music is just ok in Encanto. What is magical is the story, the voice acting and the GORGEOUS animation. Even if you’re tired of LMM (you won’t even notice him here) give this one a go.
Movies Yet To Be Seen and Dear Jesus Let Them Be Good
Just putting this list here to say, I have no vote on these, but hopefully will on my Instagram feed somewhere in the next several months.
The Tragedy of Macbeth
West Side Story
Passing
Licorice Pizza
Books that Changed Me
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard Schwartz - Little did I know that much of the work I’ve done in healing the old parts of myself and the old stories with them was related to the Internal Family Systems Model. My spiritual director came to these conclusions and shared them with me all of our own wisdom. Another sign that the truth is findable anywhere. That being said, the contents of this book and the exercises have been the source of such deep and abiding realization and (dare I say?) healing. Woof. Glorious work.
Bewilderment by Richard Powers - His previous book, The Overstory, was part of my awakening into the healing power of nature. This book takes it so much further. A novel about an autistic child who heals through access to his dead mother’s neurological map. A juxtaposition of how the world ends and how we are remade. I literally couldn’t put it down.
Teaching to Transgress by bell hooks - I’m embarrassingly slow to bell hooks, but man, this book. It reframed for me how to learn, how to grow, how to fight, how to engage what we disagree with and what we don't understand. It overtly decentered me and I felt redeemed in the push to the margin. An incredible example of a book that wasn’t written at all for me, but I undeservedly benefit from its riches. We lost bell hooks this year—a tragedy—but her incredible work lives on.
Jesus and John Wayne: How White Evangelicals Corrupted a Faith and Fractured a Nation by Kristin Kobes du Mez - The book that rocked western Christianity. I know for many people the book opened up categories they didn’t have. For me, it was like someone reading my life story back to me. “Yes, I was there!” “Yes! That’s exactly what it was like!” For those of us who lived through the rise of Neo-Calvinism, the bro-culture of non-denominationalism, and the megachurch implosion, it was an affirmation: your stories are real, your experiences had effect, you were at the center of a great undoing.
Other Books I Loved
The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green - Many know John Green from his YA novels about mental illness. This book is more autobiography meets social commentary. As John faces his own climate anxiety about how we are rushing toward the world’s end, he reviews the “artifacts” of the human (anthropocene) era. Ranking each against the 5-star system now so nefariously defining our world.
The Culture Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Groups by Daniel Coyle - Since most business books are total trash, when I find one I loved I have to share. This one is pure gold.
Deacon King Kong by James McBride - I love a good complex literary with a mystery overlay. This thing is aggressively character driven with interesting, complex people all swirling around a missing box of money and a stolen artifact. So great.
An Ugly Truth: Inside Facebook’s Battle for Domination by Sheera Frenkel and Cecilia Kang - The “Delete Facebook” campaign has been around as long as I can remember. And yet it wasn’t until I had two investigative journalists take a decade to research, interview, and map out Facebook’s complicity in the destruction of democracy and the proliferation of a deadly virus, did I fully understand what we’re playing with. Was integral in my shifting perspective on Big Tech.
Proof that All that Will Remain at the Apocalypse is IP turned into content that No One Should Ever Watch:
An unimportant list. But a reminder. There is some really terrible art being made that is getting a lot of funding. Spend your screen time wisely. Sometimes I didn’t. Like the below.
Cruella (Disney+)
Gossip Girl (HBO Max)
Godzilla vs Kong (Warner Bros)
Zach Snyder’s Justice League (Warner Bros)
The Suicide Squad (Warner Bros)
Jupiter’s Legacy (Netflix)
Matrix: Revolutions (Warner Bros)
Welcome, 2022. I don’t know that the best is yet to come. But I know that the Meaning is here, and it will be there as well.
